Putting My Mind at Ease

I said I was faithfully going to blog everyday as a hobby, outlet for thoughts and other pent up feelings. But I went back on my own word when a recent trip to Luzon made it, not exactly impossible for me to blog, but somewhat difficult. The activities were scheduled to close to each other that there was no pocket of time to go to an internet shop. I wasn't even able to write on my journal.

That week revealed a part of me that I thought had long been put to rest. I used to tell my students that pressure and stress brings out the best and worst in people. And I was no exception. Lack of sleep and the demands of the students during the tour made me morph into the person I used to be. I realized that all these years, since I left Manila and gone to Mindanao, that persona had been pushed to the back of my closet. Because of the laid back and conservative culture in the south, it was an outspoken rule that who I really was isn't acceptable in the community. In short I had been repressing the real me.

Change happen differently for people. For some its instantaneous, for me its a longer process. 3 years of repression didn't help. Friends, though well meaning, "forced" me to just ignore and not deal with my struggles. It was like "if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist." Look at the repercussions now. They keep coming back.

(This brings to mind the religious group that took so much from me (financially/materially) but only made me doubt my spiritual identity. Thank God, we left before greater damage was inflicted. That association did create a big damage with my personal relationships. )

No use dwelling in unpleasant thoughts. I can't change the past and mulling over it won't make a difference. One counselor I had spoken to the past week told me to learn from the past, live in the present, and hope for the future.